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One. 

Hey, Billy Mays here We've got a top cultural story for you today for just a bit more than a cup of coffee. We're going to show you reddit gold today. A classifiable realm of the better-off.

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Woah, look at that reddit user. He has access to thousands of people in order to advance his agenda of world dominance control by Jews. If you've ever wanted to experience mind control from a Jew, there's reddit for you to have that experience. Just visit /r/conspiracy! They hate Jews. It's a special feature of reddit that you will be exposed to the world of alternate opinion. What a great opportunity to make a difference in the world.

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"Some call you Chairman Pao. Do you think the men who harassed you should be punished?"

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repeat 10 times for informercial


Two.

On. Login? Email. Password. Welcome to your new home.

Fitted with spoken assistants at every corner, here to assist on any matter. Invite a friend? Get a job? Set up a date? Watch a movie? Wait a second, I love movies! Like. . .

Select rooms. . .

Welcome to your new home. The architecture was designed with you in mind. Glide down slides from the second story and gaze upon famous works of art in your virtual reality gallery. . .

Selecting gallery. . . . . .

Explore the arts of humanity from the beginning of time to live feeds right now. Internet analysis shows these galleries will boost intellect by 3% when explored with light study involved. The art is said to stimulate the perceptive neurons in your brain, allowing you to see from other perspectives, be it in the person's perspective or the object's. The brain works out how to process the images and learns in time to process his surrounding world with critical eye.

Historically, art has been a marker of human progress. In your new virtual galleries, the accelerated rate of publishing will fill your inbox with new art scenes to interact with every day. You can use our Social Tools to connect with other fans. Now, be aware of signs of singularity events. We've been cracking down on such incidences all the time, and any suspicious behavior in the software should be reported immediately.

Selecting History of Art. . . .

Human Art has been estimated to contain 88.9 petaflops of information, when compressed in proper formats. On the other hand, computer generated art, having only been established three years ago, has already taken up an estimated 55.2 petaflops of information. Soon, Human Art will be drifting off the cloud, as it is rarely accessed by common users. Giant virtual reality worlds still dominate the world of creativity.


Three.

With the Emperor dead, the Sith trainee was the highest ranking Sith Lord in the galaxy. He was down, very much down, down with the dark side. The dark side would be his ruler, his master, guided only by feelings. But he would have to retreat to conserve his power, for another rise in the force. He descended to live on the volcanic planet Ur.

In the deepest part of him he wanted only to fulfill his destiny as ruler of the galaxy, so he overlooked some things that his droid took care of. Before going into town, he forgot to bring money to pay for food, rooms, dining areas, and meetings with the important leaders of the area. The droid took care of all of that. He just went into the meetings with his scary mask and used the force to sway their influence in his favor. It was a business where fun was kept to a minimum, as a priority due to the cost of the operation. The Dark Lord's time was the most valuable thing in the galaxy. Ur was under his control within days.

"Darkness! I have never friendzoned you. I have followed your path and its curse has been seen upon my life. The red dreams of death that visit me nightly are proof that I am your slave. I do doom, do it doom to the moon. I am a slave to the dark side." These final words were in a crisp robotic voice he used during direct dark side communication. "I will kill them all." Just who he would kill was outside the scope of his demented mind.

After years of following Night under the mountain, the Sith Lord summoned his powers and escaped Ur, to fight the rising Jedi on a nearby moon. "It is time, my old friend," the Lord said to his companion, the dark side. "We take over the galaxy now."

A trash can exploded like a thermal grenade in the hall, alerting the Sith Lord to a disturbance in the force. "Who is this I feel influencing the force?" he said. The hovercraft lurched over to expose three heroes -- Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, and Finn, all struggling to stay on. "Well, I'll kill all three at once!" Darkness lurched around him. He summoned his mighty powers to bring an asteroid from space down onto the spot on the moon occupied by the three heroes, and he thought he must have killed them.

Well, his senses failed to detect them, anyway. Jedi were known to find holes in the force to hide within. The fight was not over. A laser beam froze midflight. It was the Sith Lord's time to jam.

-Star Wars Theme Music Resume-

Four.

I pointed my smart stick down the unlit hallway, scanning for life. Another human being would be great at this point. I was alone willing to venture down the private corridors of an early space adopter, Elon Musk, in order to find the fuel source we needed to get off this useless rock. As I went deeper, the hipster designed drinking cups and overly futuristic hover units put me in a state of retro suicide. I want to die, but above all, I wanted it to all die with me.

In the desktop computer was a file containing the means of manufacturing propellant with the carbon dioxide and nitrogen in the Martian atmosphere. We hauled out the entire computer, and every file present that belonged to Elon. In his papers was a letter to Neil DeGrasse Tyson describing a course of action for dealing with rogue AI that could prove very useful on the journey back to AI-infested Earth.

Crawling on the technology spires of self healing plastic, you reach heights in low gravity impossible on your home planet Saturn. You skid and slide along the windows to martian shops, wavy in form, barely there in some places. It all merges in and out of reality, making use of other universes to hide societies inside coded cells in space and time. And it seemed to be ever-expanding, reaching far out to Phobos, Mars' moon.

At Phobos, the human base watches it all in fright. They've known about the Mars gluttony since the seventies. They're just hiding its spread in the solar system from the main public. And that would last for ever too, if it weren't for the ever-expanding size of all the solar cells at once.

It seemed there really was no reason to continue the mission without help.


Five.

A dome-centered society normally would consist of rows of dome houses, dome banks, dome-shaped vehicles and, in true dome societies, a giant protective dome around the city. At first, civilizations formed inside mountains, in domes large enough to cause a loud echo, housing thousands of dome-ites. Mars became this kind of society. Even the commercialization of domes was successful.

Dome City, a popular shopping mall, closed its doors during the last days of Martian civilization. Earth's lizards had died off years ago, and the commerce of Mars was at a dead end. Huge empty parking lots covered the land, forming rivulets that appeared to denote water. Unfortunately, we only had water-ice, a less viable form of H2O than liquid water.

We combined all our bodies into the tentacled beast, and retreated deep into the heat of the planet. We let tiny arms just out of caves along the dry coast of the ancient seas. When the humanoid alien race found us, they saw the life that existed, but had no idea how huge the tentacled beast was, or how deep it lived beneath the planet's surface.

Certainly no humans would be allowed to visit Mars. It could prove to be a dangerous life form if it met a living person. The first probes went deep into caves, but failed to get any interaction with the moss-like life-form blocking the path. Gamma waves showed the creature had the organic mass weight of 13,000 blue whales, occupying a giant portion of Mars' undersurface where it caused massive earthquakes as each tentacle moved independently.

The octopus beneath the surface could not be faced, and so humans turned to a hellscape almost as unimaginable as Mars with its creature. Venus, where holographic universes meet, and aliens lay traps to keep you stuck in virtual reality worlds forever.

Six.

Like a jelly bubble, the skin reactivated, giving me the flexibility I needed to reach the glass. I peered down the side, to see a hallway of displays, mostly statues that had a creepy organic feel, with hair coming down the sides or painted with leaves or flowers. I didn't want to break the glass, so I unscrewed the handle and heard it drop, not signalling any alarm. I swung the golden door open and crept to the guard for my first conversation in many decades.

"Has the VHS taken dominance over C tapes in the general marketplace?"

"BHS? We have Blu-Ray, that's at least 5,000 times better view, my friend."

"Will ZIP drives rise to mass use around the time of the future?"

"ZIP drives? We have micro-SD cards up to 64 GB of storage, my friend. "

Well, I couldn't think of anything else to ask.

"And how have my investments in tantra fared in this neo-lib future?"

"Tantra, amigo? Porn is the biggest industry in the world! I'm sure tantra takes up a large fraction of it. You're rich!"


Seven.

What's the ETA? Fifteen days ago we barely had a rocket. E minus 5:33:2203 ten thousandth weekend. And instead of going up, us going down. We needed that information, to make it the next yard in space, fifteen hundred years in the future. Away from our families and earth, we dug into the vortex. As we progressed, we saw native habitat change, as we searched for humanity. The worlds we sought we dark and dangerous. The sun nearby was dying.

When the bubble burst on reality, we set our jet-set from the very top of the universe into the next one. We didn't know a form beam would cling around us, trapping us in the vortex. We can travel and teleport time, through the universes accumulated over the mass of billions of years. We avoided the Exotic races by calculating a perfectly straight projection through the top of the universe. Only humans would be created ahead.

We never found humans, but native biodiversity grew to an extreme. The dinosaurs we found more intelligent than previously thought, and made caste systems to rank themselves. Their civilization was vast and brutal. We made our calculations again, aiming back for the world destroyed by nuclear war.


Eight.

Two giant froggs joined together on what might be the most epic leaf stalk yet! The time stalks came together to form one perfect memory of their father, long before they were born and magnified to froggs from the future. They assumed the form their father knew and came down from the heavens to test him. One assumed the boy, and one, the girl.

"We will be in your wife's eggs," the said, pouring their tears upon him. "You must make a choice between us."

Their father considered, sitting down beside the river and tossing a few rocks into the water. The corn farm would be run best by a man, he said.

But a woman could make more eggs. The people could run along the land in droves, being free to reproduce on their own once they reach better lands! Cousins could breed into cousin, wide unto the land, populating a future nation. I choose the woman, he said.

He swirled his anchor stick deep beneath the sea and gave her a name. Eve.

The giant froggs fought best they could to stay in each others' vision until the rift in time separated them forever.


Nine.

On the prairie where I lived, the sound of crickets was all-encompassing. I sat on my wooden deck and lulled my head back to magnify the insects' voices. They were all around, but focused near the oak tree, where more of them gathered. It was impossible to pick out the individual sounds, but a wave of sound pulsed to me from the darkness. I closed my eyes. The sounds came, then I drifted into half-sleep. The dream that came to me felt familiar, though I couldn't place a specific memory. I was in a wooded camp, with wet leaves producing an all green bubble around me. It was daylight, and I was lying on the ground.

A sharp spear landed before my head, and I jolted awake, thinking a bug had alighted on my face. I swatted at them, then pursued the dream by drifting back to sleep.

A man with leather sleeves reached down to grab me. I saw his face. It was a wild one, covered with sweat and his crafty smile. Speaking to me, he got me to my feet. I couldn't understand him, so it must have been some other language. He pointed ahead, and slapped my shoulder. I thought, I could never return to the place he motioned to, the village where my family lived. I was banished.

I awoke sideways in my chair in the middle of the night. The crickets lessened their orchestra. Thinking of the bugs, I went inside and found my bed. The curious dream continued.

"Your sacrifice will make you all heroes," she said like a snake as I lined behind the other men. "The invaders made their wishes clear. We will sacrifice six men, and the village will be spared. You men will all be forgiven for your crimes."

It was the Queen.

"Instead of being banished or imprisoned, you will face the death of a martyr. I will follow each one of you in the next life. In reality, you cut the trail ahead of us. We will all follow you soon to the Other World."

In chains, I followed the man ahead of me to the scaffolding. Looking up, I saw my wife. She was pushing her way through the crowd. When she came to me with big tears in her eyes, she said something. I couldn't understand it like I could understand the Queen. She must have said she would find me in the next life.

I awoke with a great cough, having choked on spittle. I gazed around my dim lit room and yearned for the dream to continue. I drifted to sleep once again.

It was my turn on the block. The other men had disappeared from sight. I gazed at my fellow villagers, holding babies, covering their faces to guard themselves from the sight of the executions. I started crying when I saw familiar warriors, men I had fought the invaders alongside. They were bristling with muscles, ready to fight again. I, however, would never join them.

An officer stepped me to the edge of the platform. Somehow, they had forgotten my noose. I turned to face sideways with the crowd. Two strange walls were in front of me past the scaffold, closing together to form an angle. I saw through the walls another world; a prairie, with hills and wheat and a conspicuous house in plain sight. As I pushed forward, the wall touched my face, and I slipped into the alternate reality. I instantly remembered I was dreaming this in my bedroom. I wanted desperately to awake. I forcefully pulled myself away from the wall but it stuck to the sides of my face. I jumped, screamed, spun around, but the wall stuck ever closer to me. I awoke for the last time in my bed, lying on my back, but I felt like I was in a warrior's body. I tried to lift my body out of bed, to see the familiar surroundings of my bedroom, but I was pulled ever deeper into the abyss.

When I opened my eyes, my face was to the ground. I was surrounded by fires and corpses. "Simulation complete," said one of the invaders.


Ten.

I've been waiting for you thirty years. Your dip near the singularity may have lasted seconds for you, my journeyman, but for me it was an eternity. We were prepared, however, and you'll be happy to meet the next generations of clones. I've been raising a robust crowd of various backgrounds and ages, and formed a society on the space station as planned. Did you get the data? Yes, it's most important. We'll be further along on the race to the center of the universe, gathering progressive data along the way. This one was particularly important to our males, who have been suffering a cancer... Wait, who else is on your ship? The reptilians? No! Our virgins will be among the first to be sacrificed. You've betrayed us, spaceman! Although very little, I planned for a reptilian invasion. I must only tell the computer to jettison your ship into the surface of the moon. Now, you may survive, but we hope they will form a more diplomatic stance in order to meet our people.

As it spins down to the no-atmosphere surface, its anterior glands prepare it for the first day on the moon, meeting the deadly inhabitants. It gestures to a new log, "today is your first date".

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